The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
Blessing of Vivec
humans are so cute, when we say goodbye we put our arms around each other and to show we love someone we bring them flowers. we say hello by holding each other’s hand, and sometimes tiny little dewdrops form in our eyes. for pleasure we listen to arrangements of sounds, press our lips together, smoke dried leaves, get drunk off of old fruit. we’re all just little animals, falling in love and having breakfast beneath billions of stars
I feel like crying, because I’ve finally got exact info concerning my exam with political science students and it’s such a relief……….. No more anxieties after two months of not sleeping.
Maybe I need to go to sleep instead of scribbling, since it’s 3 a.m. and I’ve got work tomor…today.
These days I still feel a little guilty for avoiding social interactions with my acquaintances. They have a habit of insisting on some non-existent duty of friendship, some spurious debt of something I can’t even determine. Isn’t it handy to pull by the wires of my inflamed guilt complex? “You HAVE TO meet with us!”
I don’t quite grasp the joy of social meetings. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m quite confused by the emphasis placed on sales, events, shows, detergents, car tires, dogs’ poo, all those petty quotidian details that stick in your throat anyway. The wallflower I am, I observe people discussing their lives in a company and then gossiping behind each other’s back with some unhealthy delight. Maybe there is something wrong with me since I don’t enjoy these issues and prating arouses nothing but disgust? Maybe I’m immature, bizarre, old-fashioned, plain stupid?
Maybe I am stupid. I’m almost 24 now, but only recently I’ve finally understood that you don’t owe anything those who try to force you to feel this way. There should be no such thing as emotional bondage. If you don’t feel comfortable around particular people, then maybe you will be better off without them? A person is a piece of jigsaw puzzle, cramming them into the environment they don’t belong to won’t do any good. It’s usually hard to cut deep-rooted social ties, an anxiety-provoking endeavour, but it is worth it. Uncomfortable relationships are unhealthy relationships, it’s not right to torture your mind, it’s just as important as keeping your body healthy and comfortable. The vital importance of one’s mental state is often diminished just because it’s intangible.
At the end of the day you will find a person with whom it would be equally nice to discuss spiritual life and end of the year discounts. In order to find something you yearn you have to make room for it first. Like lifting yourself from the quicksand of awkward acquaintance.
It’s ok not to fit in (there is nothing to fit into, it’s an illusion anyway), it’s ok not to want to communicate with certain people (who confuse your general kindness and empathy with friendship), it’s ok to acknowledge emotional discomfort. Sometimes you need to remind yourself of these things. At least I do.
(in this regard I thank my bullies for isolating me for 9 years at school, because their aggressive, fierce rejection has taught me to enjoy solitude)